An Unconventional Lesson in Anal Sex.

Oddly, there seem to be a couple of evangelist pastors out there who allegedly are experts on gay male sex. I kid you not.  Apparently they seem to know a great deal more about gay sex than what the average homosexual does.  Especially surprising to me is the resilience the male sphincter muscle (aka your asshole muscle) has according to them.  Apparently you can shove a whole baseball bat up there, your iPhone and a gerbil.  No wonder so many people get rectal exams in prison:  You never know what they could manage to smuggle in there; it could be anything from a nail file to a ladder.   Reflecting on some past comments of a certain Pastor Patrick Wooden I could not help but wonder, have we gay guys even begin to explore the wonderland that are our rectums.

Pastor Wooden seems very preoccupied with gay male genitalia the and male anus.  After all it is in that general area where we like to keep things neat, tidy and in some cases bleached and pierced.  But, in Wooden’s defense, the anus is a wonderful organ.  It is resilient and can stretch when needed.  And the best of all you don’t even have to be gay to have experience this phenomena.  Straight people can experience this too.  I'm speaking to all those straight guys out there who like it when their girlfriends stick her fingers up their ass. You know who you are!  And I know that you are worried and wondering about being fingered and if that makes you gay.  The answer is no, it makes you ass bi-curious. But it's not just through sex and ass play when you can experience this.  Normal bodily functions also helps you experience the elasticity of your sphincter muscle more frequently than what you may think. 

If you have ever been constipated and finally had that bowel movement that sets you free, you probably have experienced that glorious sensation.  You know that feeling when you push and push and you feel it is just too big to come out.  Finally, as the monster turd crowns and you feel like your asshole just is not big enough and about to exploded, it makes it’s way through and takes its final plunge leaving you relieved, proud and semi euphoric.  Well, gay anal sex is not completely unlike that.  Apart from the turd being a cock and instead of it coming out it goes in. I apologize for this graphic image that will now be stuck in your head for weeks to come. In my defense I did not make you read this, so technically it is your own fault. But I digress, lets get back to your asshole.

Like any good homosexual I am also partial to some ass play.  I, like some gay tops, can also be “ass curious” at times (If you don't know what that means Google will explain it to you).  But I can honestly say I have never shoved a baseball bat up my rectum nor have I attempted to insert any live stock or rodents.  Mostly, because I do not understand the logistics of it and I don’t condone animal abuse.  I mean honestly, how exactly do you force a little gerbil into a dark crevice if it doesn’t want to go in.  Doesn’t it have teeth and sharp little nails?  Or is that part of the fun?  I’m sure PETA would have a lot to say about this issue.

Inserting foreign objects into our rectums is something gay men do.  As per definition a foreign object is anything “originating elsewhere” or simply put “outside of your body”.  So it can be pretty much anything including someone else’s penis, which is predominantly what gay guys prefer.  Some gay guys are also over achievers and sometimes like to have more than one penis up their man hole.  It's true, I have seen it in gay porn.  It doesn't look comfortable at all and not something I am inclined or interesting in doing. Ever.  In my case we have a drawer in our bedroom with preferred foreign objects.  Now don't pretend to gasp for air, you know you have a secret sex drawer too. 

Our drawer contains nothing particularly out of the ordinary for a professional homosexual on the go.  We have the usual socially accepted objects, you know what I mean.  My father-in-law, a few years ago, accidentally opened this drawer thus destroying any illusions he may have had of his son and I being celibate and not engaging in anal sex.  He emerged from the ordeal pale as a ghost and dramatically quiet for the rest of that day.  He’s probably still traumatized and digesting what he had seen.  I believe that mental pictures that were inadvertently burned into his mind still haunts his dream till this day.

Using foreign objects that you can buy from any sex shop or online to enhance your sexual experience is one thing, but what if you don’t have the time or money.  Well, like any resourceful homosexual will tell you, there are a plethora of everyday household objects that you can safely use.  Let’s turn our attention to your kitchen.  Fruit and vegetables like bananas, cucumbers and carrots are perfectly safe.  You won't get any nutritional value from them but you will have fun and in some cases vegetables can be orgasmic. Just don't use them in a salad later.  That would just be gross.  Butternuts on the other hand are not safe nor are any frozen items, fish or cutlery.  The broom closet is pretty self explanatory as most closeted right wing evangelist pastors will tell you.

When it comes to the bathroom and the bedroom wardrobe it could get a little dicey.  Firstly, it is not good hygiene to insert anything into your ass that you will not be able to get out again later, having to wash your face with or have to put in your mouth.  Secondly, electrical items and anything bigger than your hand and arm could pose some serious medical repercussions and should always be used with extreme caution.  I would advice you to first consult with your physician but I can see how that conversation could be awkward.  It is also extremely important to remember that KY conducts electricity extremely well, as I can attest to from personal experience, and electrocution does not enhance an orgasm, it does quite the opposite and it's not fun nor is it sexy!

My iPhone is the one item I have never considered inserting into my rectum and people who do clearly have no respect for their phones, themselves or other people and they should be ashamed of themselves!  Honestly, what if you get a very important call, a Facebook message or a tweet?  Are you going to phone, message and tweet that person back apologizing by saying “I was busy stimulating my prostate, and thank you for calling me at exactly the right time – you really hit the spot for me!  It was the best orgasm EVER! Thank you for making me cum!”  I didn't think so people.

  

Contemplating the good Pastor’s recent comments and especially the part about gay men’s rectums being mutilated resulting in some gay men having to walk around with butt plugs and diapers, I consulted with a medical professional.  My pharmacist told me it was bullshit!  Sure with regular abuse and inserting very large objects the sphincter muscle can get damaged and deformed over time; but for that to happen the person must have been doing some seriously fucked up shit to themselves and their assholes.  And surely this is not the norm.  To conclude, any person who walks around with a butt plug up his ass for a whole day has some serious skills and I am sure that would be dreadfully uncomfortable.  As for wearing diapers, I don't think I am into that baby fetish shit. I mean who would want to shit their pants on purpose?

Whether Pastor Patrick Wooden spoke from personal experience or secret desires, I guess we will never really know for certain.  His fascination with gay anal sex and brevity of knowledge on the subject does however slightly impress.  But, I am sad to say Pastor Patrick Wooden, there are some things gay men will not put up our asses and your dick ranks number one on that list.  Even though I do admire the fact that you are so very adventurous with your own anus, I will never be as able a power bottom as you do.  Your accomplishments are awe inspiring!

Till next time.

The Gospel, According to Me

The Bible has been a best seller for all time and, obviously, the authors of the book did not make any money from it whatsoever. So who profits from the sale of the book and who agreed to that contract?

Well, the Bible is actually copyrighted and each company who owns that copyright makes money off it. In order to create a new copyright,  there must be substantial changes to the Bible - which means the Bible most Christians read today is not a true reflection of the original version. Which led me to wonder, which parts of the Bible have been changed and how did this impact on the first love story of all time in Genesis: the one between Adam and Steve? 

I have frequently been told that it was just Adam and Eve and not Adam and Steve in the Garden of Eden, when religious freaks try to condemn homosexuals to hell. Well, how the fuck would they know? Were they there? Also, which re-written copy of the Bible are they reading?

I believe Adam and Eve were not alone in the Garden of Eden and that Steve was also there (you are welcome to prove me wrong). You know, to give Eve options. We all know how women are. The one thing that could not be foreseen was the fact that Adam and Steve would fall in love and that Eve would become their much begrudged beard. Was Steve God's back up plan for Eve? Who knows. Was it planned that Adam and Steve would be gay? I think not.

Eve felt cheated out of her deal in the Garden of Eden and, naturally,  developed some resentment. I mean, who wouldn't? She did not have a guy - or even the option of becoming a lesbian! Was this because she was not skinny enough, her boobs were too small,  or maybe she had the personality of a hedgehog? Who knows. But the fact that she was lonely, did not have a lover and possibly developed some body image issues is very plausible. For most people that would be depressing but not for Eve; she was a woman on a mission. So she got her shit together and made a plan. She would tempt Adam to commit the primordial sin: eating the forbidden fruit. Apparently she got this tip from a snake which is highly unlikely because, you know, snakes can't talk. Her plan was all her own and kinda genius when you think about it.

As most of you know, in the Garden of Eden there was an apple tree which God told his creations they may not eat from. Which is stupid because it's like putting a treat in front of a puppy and telling him he cannot eat it. They were kinda set up to fail, if you ask me. Adam had great willpower and listened to Steve, who was the responsible one in their relationship. There were a lot of fruits in the garden, including them, and there was no reason to develop an appetite for apples - even if an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Not that there was a doctor with them but you get what I'm saying. But Eve was a temptress and knew exactly what she was doing. You see,  she had a short term and long term plan for Adam, who was the butcher one, Steve being more on the fem side.

Her short term plan was to roofie Adam and make him eat the apple so that they can be thrown out of the garden, hence getting him away from Steve. The long term plan was to get Adam to fall in love with her. So that is exactly what she did. Adam ate the apple and fucked up his relationship with Steve. He got thrown out of the Garden of Eden leaving Steve all alone with his spring collection,  made of flowers and leaves,  who he now had nobody to model it for.  Eve was cruel but her plan succeeded and she soon found herself in a brokeback marriage. It was not ideal but it was what it was. What happened to Steve nobody knows. You see, the authors could only focus on one narrative because the people back then didn't like to read and papyrus leaves were very expensive.

In the later printed copy of the Bible the publishing companies decided to remove Steve and the dinosaurs from the narrative entirely and tweaked the original version. Poor Steve was written out of the Bible and hence he never got the credit for decorating the Garden of Eden or for styling Adam with the newest fashion and Haute Couture. Basically he got screwed and dissipated into obscurity. 

Then we get to Leviticus in which everything is a sin. According to this chapter everyone is going to hell - and their puppies and kittens too. And I mean everybody. In this chapter, you are also allowed to stone your neighbors to death, which I think many of us secretly wish we could do today. But that's against the law.  Everything sex related is a sin and pigs are evil, shellfish is from the devil and masturbation is a death sentence. Do you even know how many men and women are going to hell because of masturbation? That's like 99% of the population with the 1% being people in comas!

When Leviticus was re-written, the author(s) was in all likelihood in a bad mood and probably terribly hungover. Frankly, that is the only reason why he would condemn 99% of the population to hell, including himself. Hangovers are major assholes - they will do that to you. There are too many sins in Leviticus to deal with, as it seems to be the most hateful chapter in the Bible. So if you haven't read it yet,  skip it - it will ruin your day and you will go to hell. Ignorance of the scripture is no excuse but hey, when you have to start making lists of sins it becomes very annoying.

I wonder what the original version of the Bible was like. I also wonder when people thought it was ok to go and make substantial changes to it. Fiction novels are not supposed to be re-written just because you don't like sections of it. You don't see people going and re-writing the classics in our literary history. So why would the oldest fiction novel in the world be changed and copyrighted? The only reason I can think of is that is that it is meant to be used for sinister purposes.

Too often people use the Bible to condemn others, to justify discrimination and, in the past, even rationalize racism. The Bible has been changed to fit certain people's and organizations' agendas. The book people are reading today is the byproduct of bigotry, politics, religious oppression and justification of hate. The people in 100 years from now will read a completely different Bible than the one we have today. Who knows, there might even be transgender aliens in it. Unfortunately, we will not be around to see it. For now we are stuck with the most judgmental book known to mankind. It is a poorly written fiction novel, the original of which is nowhere to be found. Not even on the internet. I am probably going to hell for having written this - that is if hell really exists! 

Till next time.

Pastor Advocates the Execution of Homosexuals

It's rare that I am truly shocked. I believe that, in most part, I have seen and heard everything. However, every now and again I am taken a back. A pastor advocating the public executions of homosexuals was one of those moments.

As you will recall, a couple of years back, I reported Pastor Oscar Bougardt for hate speech to the South African Human Rights Commission (SAHRC). The matter was escalated and taken further. Bougardt was found guilty last year of hate speech and the discrimination of people on the grounds of their sexual orientation. The matter went to the Equality Court and was referred to mediation. It is there were an agreement was reached and a court order signed prohibiting Bougardt, among others, from publishing further statements that are discriminatory or incite hatred or harm on the grounds of sexual orientation. In recent weeks Bougardt transgressed the court order and continued to publish such statements on the internet.

The statements published on public forums which transgressed the court order by Bougardt are:

* Gay marriage is from the pit of hell;

* People in gay marriages will end up killing each other;

* South Africa is cursed for not having anti-gay laws;

* God will punish South Africa with natural disasters for legalizing homosexuality; 

* Pope Francis is gay;

* All Catholic Priests are pedophiles;

* Homosexuality is an abomination;

* Homosexuals should be locked up in cages;

* Demond Tutu and homosexuals are going to hell;

* Homosexuals are worse than animals;

* All homosexuals are perverts;

* Insinuating that Sharia law should be upheld in South Africa to punish homosexuals; and

* Advocating the public executions of homosexuals in South Africa by Isis.

I must admit that I was shocked to read his comments and even more shocked that he is making a mockery of the SAHRC and the Equality Court. I did contact the SAHRC informing them of Bougardt transgressing the court order and to lay a new complaint.  Bougardt proudly admitted that he is willing to go to jail for his backward believes and hate speech. Perhaps this time he will get his wish.

Till next time.