Friday, 10 August 2018

Burning the past

The past two weeks have been weird and upsetting and just downright strange for me.
And after yesterday I vowed to write it down and move on. The past has had strange claws that hooked into me. My brain, even my body. While I can't change what is happening to my body, I sure as hell can change what is happening in my soul and mind.
Note-don't do drugs kids. It has a special way of eventually just messing your entire body up. My teeth for example...they are giving me never ending hassles. Half my mouth is replaced with fake teeth. The ones I still have a never ending puzzle of pain.

But letting go of the past is not just letting go of the fact that I used to be an addict. No I used to just be a walkover. Yes kids, just line up and take advantage. You need money, sure-I will give you what I have. Oh you need something, sure I will give it to you. Want to hurt me some more, sure, no worries.
Yes I am to blame. I never should have let people take advantage in the first place. No excuses for that. Being nice does not get you anywhere. And thinking that people will be kind to you when you give them kindness, no... that does not happen.

So what was the result of not growing a backbone?

My ex cheated on me many many times. She also ensured that I had about 100k of debt. Yeah-her promises of paying back-never materialized. The relationship was so unhealthy and I see it now finally. She used to gaslight me. Treat me with contempt, unless of course when she wanted something. She wanted many things. She liked brand shoes...nice sound in her car. Want, want, want. And I, in my stupor wanted to make her happy. Nevermind the fact that her phone bill (paid by me) was 3000 Rand (back in 2003)...and yes speaking to the chick she was having a full on relationship with while we were dating. We broke up and I moved away for a brief while. Came back to Jozi and she "helped" me by giving me a place to stay for 2 weeks. She also helped herself to 10 grand which I wanted to pay debts off (her debt) and she took that money after saying she will deposit into the bank for me. How naive was I, to think she would "help" me with anything.
Phonecall after phonecall saying she is sure she is busy overdosing, waking up in a field after she pissed herself, asking me for help. This was after we broke up. I blindly helped...thinking I could...should help. Then the Sheriff of the court came knocking on my door to collect my furniture for the debts. So after she took my furniture, I had one single bed, a toaster and a kettle. He looked at me in pity and disgust. This is while my addiction was probably at its worst also. I was taking the train to work at this stage. The doctor finally said I would die in 6 months if I carried on like this.

I stopped using, withdrew by myself. This is when the long, hard and lonely walk started. My "friends"? Well when we no longer shared the same lifestyle, they quickly forget who you are.

I started paying off my debt. R50 here, R100 there. Threatening phone calls daily. I had two jobs at that time. Life started getting better slowly but surely.

Now, this is not even half of the tale but I want to get to the good part. Where I am at today.

Yesterday I burned the summons, letters from the court, threatening letters that they are attaching my furniture to pay off debt. Because I am done. The debt was paid off about 2 years ago but the last of the summons etc, is gone now. I applied as the main applicant to buy a house...and it was approved.

While I was burning the papers, all the deposit slips... I just have this insane amount of balled up emotions inside of me. You tried to bring me down, you failed. You said I was never good enough, thin enough, cool enough...just not enough of anything basically. And who are you anyways? You leach off people and use and abuse them and them drop them like they never mattered. Yes, I should have been stronger than my supposed love for you. But I want to tell you, that you failed.

I am good enough. I have a good job, I study and I nearly have my degree. Someone loves me with my big ass and funny teeth and she has never looked at anyone else. I am someones dream. You should have just walked away when you realized you did not want me...but the sad reality is that I benefited your purpose. And I was too naive to do anything about it. I am to blame, I accept that. But accept that you can not keep doing this to people. I know you still are btw, for a fact. Grow the F up and start getting your life in order and stop using people. Your charm is only going to go that far and people who are hopefully stronger than what I was, will hopefully put you in your place. To those who are not strong enough and still disillusioned into thinking that a person will give you, what you give them... Please open your eyes. Don't wait until it is too late to grow a backbone and start living for yourself.

I am finally free.


  1. Oh Em... What a raw piece. I am so glad you shared it. You are one of the best, strongest, most intelligent and yes - COOLEST chicks I have met in a very long time and I am honoured to call you my friend. You are a poster child for owning the shit you got yourself into and picking yourself up no matter how many times you fall. Look where it got you... Best wife, best job and a happy, fulfilled life. Don't look back and enjoy every moment of that hard won freedom, you deserve it. G xxx

  2. I agree with your friend. Thank you for sharing your story, you have given me a lot to think about with a similar situation I have felt trapped in and ashamed of for a long time.