Burning the past

The past two weeks have been weird and upsetting and just downright strange for me.
And after yesterday I vowed to write it down and move on. The past has had strange claws that hooked into me. My soul...my brain, even my body. While I can't change what is happening to my body, I sure as hell can change what is happening in my soul and mind.
Note-don't do drugs kids. It has a special way of eventually just messing your entire body up. My teeth for example...they are giving me never ending hassles. Half my mouth is replaced with fake teeth. The ones I still have a never ending puzzle of pain.

But letting go of the past is not just letting go of the fact that I used to be an addict. No I used to just be a walkover. Yes kids, just line up and take advantage. You need money, sure-I will give you what I have. Oh you need something, sure I will give it to you. Want to hurt me some more, sure, no worries.
Yes I am to blame. I never should have let people take advantage in the first place. No excuses for that. Being nice does not get you anywhere. And thinking that people will be kind to you when you give them kindness, no... that does not happen.

So what was the result of not growing a backbone?

My ex cheated on me many many times. She also ensured that I had about 100k of debt. Yeah-her promises of paying back-never materialized. The relationship was so unhealthy and I see it now finally. She used to gaslight me. Treat me with contempt, unless of course when she wanted something. She wanted many things. She liked brand shoes...nice sound in her car. Want, want, want. And I, in my stupor wanted to make her happy. Nevermind the fact that her phone bill (paid by me) was 3000 Rand (back in 2003)...and yes speaking to the chick she was having a full on relationship with while we were dating. We broke up and I moved away for a brief while. Came back to Jozi and she "helped" me by giving me a place to stay for 2 weeks. She also helped herself to 10 grand which I wanted to pay debts off (her debt) and she took that money after saying she will deposit into the bank for me. How naive was I, to think she would "help" me with anything.
Phonecall after phonecall saying she is sure she is busy overdosing, waking up in a field after she pissed herself, asking me for help. This was after we broke up. I blindly helped...thinking I could...should help. Then the Sheriff of the court came knocking on my door to collect my furniture for the debts. So after she took my furniture, I had one single bed, a toaster and a kettle. He looked at me in pity and disgust. This is while my addiction was probably at its worst also. I was taking the train to work at this stage. The doctor finally said I would die in 6 months if I carried on like this.

I stopped using, withdrew by myself. This is when the long, hard and lonely walk started. My "friends"? Well when we no longer shared the same lifestyle, they quickly forget who you are.

I started paying off my debt. R50 here, R100 there. Threatening phone calls daily. I had two jobs at that time. Life started getting better slowly but surely.

Now, this is not even half of the tale but I want to get to the good part. Where I am at today.

Yesterday I burned the summons, letters from the court, threatening letters that they are attaching my furniture to pay off debt. Because I am done. The debt was paid off about 2 years ago but the last of the summons etc, is gone now. I applied as the main applicant to buy a house...and it was approved.

While I was burning the papers, all the deposit slips... I just have this insane amount of balled up emotions inside of me. You tried to bring me down, you failed. You said I was never good enough, thin enough, cool enough...just not enough of anything basically. And who are you anyways? You leach off people and use and abuse them and them drop them like they never mattered. Yes, I should have been stronger than my supposed love for you. But I want to tell you, that you failed.

I am good enough. I have a good job, I study and I nearly have my degree. Someone loves me with my big ass and funny teeth and she has never looked at anyone else. I am someones dream. You should have just walked away when you realized you did not want me...but the sad reality is that I benefited your purpose. And I was too naive to do anything about it. I am to blame, I accept that. But accept that you can not keep doing this to people. I know you still are btw, for a fact. Grow the F up and start getting your life in order and stop using people. Your charm is only going to go that far and people who are hopefully stronger than what I was, will hopefully put you in your place. To those who are not strong enough and still disillusioned into thinking that a person will give you, what you give them... Please open your eyes. Don't wait until it is too late to grow a backbone and start living for yourself.

I am finally free.

Holy shitballs

Yeah...I know. It has been years since I logged on and posted. What the heck.

Like GeeGee says...life certainly happened. 

I am a year away from getting my degree. What a rollercoaster it has been. 3 distinctions later and I am still ready to pull my hair out. But I am not complaining (too much)...it has been good for me. It has placed a certain level of stress in my life, that has molded me into an adult.

I got married! Yeah I know. I never thought the day would arrive where I would get married. I was so against the whole institution of marriage and what it represented...and now I am someone's wife. A someone who is my whole world and I can't imagine life without her. Nothing has changed and that is what makes me so happy. We are still the same. We are our own people but we choose to live this life together. 

In-between all the other things happening in my life (promotions, house break ins, fights, angst, happiness, good and bad) I am at a place where I am happy. 

I have realized a lot of things. Who my real friends are for instance. Where I now know and understand that not everyone who pretends to have your back and pretends to be on your side, is actually on your side. This is a very harsh reality I had to learn. A person who I honestly thought was my friend, is a total stranger to me. I am glad the reality finally hit, even though it really hurts. I now know...and is not stuck in some illusion that person created.

I want to start writing again, even if it is just for me. So hold on...more may be on the way.

What 2016 and 2017 taught me - Not My Circus, Not My Monkeys!

I knowIknowIknowIKNOW... It's almost APRIL ffs. Hey, at least the tree is down and I don't have to start wondering if I should hang Easter bunnies off it. Ok, in all honesty, it's only down because it was never put up. I've been so busy being Hubs' Executive Personal Assistant Glorified Tea Girl that everything else has taken a back seat for more than a year.

We're a collaborative blog here and I know I'm not the only one who's been quiet. There have been adoptions, births, weddings and funerals, breakups, degrees earned, battles with cancer fought and won, operations and hospital stays, promotions, new homes bought, goals achieved... You know, LIFE lived! I'm very happy to say that the joys have far outweighed the sorrows and that's always a good thing.

Lessons I learned the last 18 months or so?

I'm no longer terrified of learning new technology

Thanks to my son I don't get an eye twitch at the mere thought of learning new things when it comes to technology anymore. I have zero patience and have often wished that it could be like the movie "Matrix" where they just plug a thing into your head and suddenly you have mad skillz. It was bad people, really bad. Case in point: It took me almost a year just to open the box when I was given an iPod and I only did that at his insistence, then the thing sat in a drawer for another six months or so. He has some serious patience, no lies! Little post it notes saying things like "don't forget dongle on the back" so that I don't get too rough with the laptop and when he sent me my first GIF on Whatsapp it was followed by a message saying "tap it" with a finger pointing upwards. THEN the cheeky little shit sent me this:

Considering what he went through with me, especially the many times I would say "I can see your lips move but you may as well be speaking Russian", I can't exactly argue haha

I'm not insane when I say I attract weirdo's

I've been busy consolidating (fuck, I feel SO clever saying that - cooonsooolidaaaating!) my devices and I came across this random pic Hubs sent me via Whatsapp:

Now that I am (mostly) over myself I am LOVING technology! Hubs does all the household grocery shopping and when he is unsure of what I want he can take a picture and send it. 

Gotta love this man - taking on one of the crappiest parts of running a household just to keep me out of trouble! I've been saying for decades that I attract weirdo's and he was always convinced that I had to play at least some small part in it. I get it, I'm not even insulted by that. We've been married for 30 years and he knows all my crazy. There was that time a total stranger grabbed my arm and licked it. Temper lost. The time a guy behind me in the checkout line with a trolley stuffed to the brim with luxuries asked me to pay for his groceries too and called me a racist when I said no. Temper lost. The time I arrived at my car to see it had been pushed about a meter backwards by another car and our number plates were stuck together! Wtf right? I was blamed by the driver who was so pissed she could hardly stand up straight. Temper lost. Soooo many more... Sigh... 

Hubs never believed I was totally innocent until the day we were doing the shopping together and I got cornered in the freshly baked goods section by a Hasidic Jew. I'm talking black hat and clothes, ringlets, the works. All smiling and innocent looking, this dude starts asking for advice on what the best loaves etc are. The more I'm politely trying to tell him I'm not the person to ask, the more he's insisting. UNTIL I glanced down and saw he was fondling everything that was rounded... In a very suggestive way. Fucken perv was even pinching 'nipples' on some of the rolls! Have you ever?!?! Temper Lost!

Me: "Omg, you won't believe what happened!"

Hubs: "I saw, I was watching from behind that big bread rack."

Me: "What?? Why didn't you step in to rescue me?" 

Hubs: "I was waiting to see if HE needed rescuing." 

I really truly don't give a fuck about bullshit

While consolidating all my devices (there's that clever word again) I also found a lot more screenshots of the stalking and trolling that's been going on for 7 (yes, SEVEN fucking years now) and even I was amused horrified because I lost count at around 200. Jaysuswept... I must be FABULOUS, nevermind completely UNFORGETTABLE. Yeah, I will deal with that when I have the time. Or when I am really bored. I'm happy that I have friends who send me this crap when they see something because I don't have time to find all the fake names and profiles thanks. There have been the most disgusting things written, complete fabrications, and I wonder what kind of person could possibly make shit up about someone they used to be best friends with just to try and destroy them. Then there are the declarations of love and miss you's in between the hate... Seriously? It's sad really, to watch someone lose their grip on reality - especially when it is someone you used to care about deeply who seems to find it impossible to move on and vacillates between love and hate. 

Choose a personality please.

Back in February I was sent a clip via Whatsapp and it made me laugh. It was dumb and a bit lame, but it made me laugh when I first saw it. I'd been quiet on FB for a couple of weeks so I posted it on the spur of the moment. OMG!!! The lashback... Jaysus! It caused a HUGE argument and sparked so many comments I had to scroll and scroll and scroll to read them all. By the end of it I was so fucking irritated I don't think the word irritated comes close. Did I delete the post? Nope. I posted this instead... 

What does bemuse me is how people can get worked up by a post on social media that is not aimed at them, especially if it's done by someone they've never even met in person. Get a fucking life people... Like a friend of mine once said, "If it doesn't feed you, fuck you or pay your bills and if you didn't give birth to it, why give a shit?" So, unless you bring real time value to my life? 

Stay in your own fucking lane please. 

By the way, if you one are of those people who get easily offended? I'm not sure why you would be here then (stalker much?) but do me a favor and go and watch the Ricky Gervais standup special on Netflix called Humanity. You will LOVE it! *cackle* It's excellent, in fact I'm convinced it planted the seeds to start this piece germinating in my subconscious. 

So, my mantra has gone from "Prison orange is NOT my color" to "Not my circus, not my monkeys" and La Vida es Bella!!! 

New Years Resolutions? Not a single fucking one! 

Aaaand on that note. HAPPY NEW YEAR! *ahem* I will leave you with this thought... Life is way too serious as it is so...

Live well, love much, laugh often and always remember to dance! 

GeeGee x

P.S. Thanks to my friend Colleen who tagged me in this song last Friday with the caption "Tabletop dancing drinking song". My days of dancing on tables are far behind me but I think it inspired me into finishing this entire post Col - fuck knows how or why but I'll take it ;) 

Riding the Anaconda

I first published this piece on my old blog quite a few years ago asking if anyone knew who wrote it because it was anonymous. As the person who always volunteers 'out of the goodness of my heart' to look after everyone's valuables when they go on these gawd awful rides I can totally relate and I was crying with laughter while reading this! I accidentally logged into my old blog's email account and much to my surprise there was an email from the author who has agreed to join our team of Merry Misfits over here. Us South Africans have a unique way of blending English and Afrikaans and that's why I am creating a 'Saffer Style' tab for his writings...

Hope you enjoy...

GeeGee x

Riding the ANACONDA

I am a father.  So, sometimes I need to do stuff that fathers do.  In the old days, it was marbles and tolle and ketties.  Things have changed.

So, two weeks ago, the fucking bright sparks over the road here, whispered the words "GOLD REEF CITY" into my laaities ears, and what can you do?  You go to GRC.

Ok, so I checked the website... nananana, looks like piss, hier en daar n fokken ride or two, and I wanted to go down the mine.  So ek trek my plakkies aan, kam my hare, and off we go.

We got there early.  Ek kap manhaftig twee worsbroodjies weg, en n halfliter melk, and followed my son to the first ride... called Runaway Train.

We get on, and I thought these things were for kids and stuff, and off it went.  I did not like it.  It was going sideways and shit, and I was queasy when I got off.

What bothered me though was the sound coming from behind me somewhere. Dit klink soos n fokken boeing wat land.  And then I saw it.  Big signwriting... ANAFOKKENCONDA.

I had to keep face, I wear the pants in this family.  Ek maak my arms bak, en ek loop fier en regop teen die dekplank op.  Ek gaan die donner ry, what can go wrong?

There was a queue and the fuck up with that is, you can see what the thing does to people.

When it came in the second time, and a young student dude, met spiere waar ek voue het, got out, and kots oor die reling, toe weet ek, my kak is uitgeknip vir my.

Then it was our turn.  Jono chickened out, BUT my wife was checking me out. This is where you have to be nonchalant, and manly.  I kept my chin up, en my hol toegeknyp.

You get into this thing, and you hang.  The safety bar didn't want to go over my hoenderborsie, so I pulled a Ville Valo, and made myself thin, and hooked a clip too close.... I think.

KLANG KLANG KLANG KLANG.... en kom ons fok nie rond nie.... skielik is ek so bang dat ek n bliksemse nieraanval kry..... dan draai die kak ding en FOK HY NA BENEDE....MET DIE SPOED VAN N HEILIGE FOKKEN WIT ELAND.

I shit you not, forget any car, bike, plane or whatever the fuck you measure your manliness by.... it accelerated like nothing I have ever felt.  But if this wasn't enough, gaan donner die ding onderstebo met jou.  I feel the worsrolletjie.  No wait, I feel the texture of the worsrolletjie, every fucking fibre of the worsrolletjie.

Kerels, we came out that first loop met die spoed van fokken wit lig. I wanted it to stop.  I haven't prayed in 22 years.... I did then. We leveled out, and then it hit the second loop. Shorter radius than the first. Ons fok daardeur, en ek verloor my plakkie. Onderstebo, and then around 2 flat corners wa ek 10 jaar ouer word, and then....  the fucking thing corkscrewed. Klits daai fokken broodjie en die melk laat dit lyk soos daai kak wat jy oor bobotie gooi, and another, en fok dit, toe skree ek soos n Namibiese vlakte vlermuis wat se sonar gekak het.

And into the station at 200km/h, and just for shits and giggles, they stop it in 10m flat.

I just sat there.  Stunned, and my wife is oooh and aaaahing, en lets-go-againing....sy moet haar jags hou.

It fucked my whole day up.

~ Lokkenfekker

Victory!!

I never get involved in news, politics or anything like that because it always gives me hives but this whole Pastor Anderson thing had my blood boiling. The arrogance of this man, the hypocrisy, the blatant disregard for human life. I literally can't even. Yes, I said it. I can't even! Amongst other things this giant douche had the gall to call our beloved Archbishop Desmond Tutu 'perverted' and still thought he would be allowed a visa? How very delusional of him. So it was with absolute glee accompanied by a rather stupid happy dance that I saw social media blow up with the news that he was banned from visiting South Africa! A big fat shout out to all my friends in the LGBT community who were relentless in their quest to make sure this asshole never touched down on South African soil. You guys ROCK! 

Artwork by Riaan Jacobs 

My friend Jaco Lourens from Jockstrap posted this picture below on his Facebook page with the following caption and I think it's rather fitting "Oh honey... if you feel the need to advertise your sexuality on a t-shirt, then I think you have something to hide #StevenAnderson ?!"

What a twunt he is... Shame, there must be so many dust bunnies in his closet by now I'm amazed dude can breathe hahahahaha Honestly, I have yet to meet someone so outspokenly homophobic who isn't a closet queen who's well acquainted with glory holes. 

In all seriousness though... We've had problems in this country and awful heinous acts have been committed against the LGBT community. 'Corrective rape' where lesbians have been gang raped and tortured to death. Be-headings of drag queens. Gay bashing. Bullying of young gay people and their subsequent suicides. Just horrible things... So I'm really proud of our Government for banning this man who publicly calls for the execution of gay people. He's the epitome of evil at it's core in my opinion. I've spent more time than I should on Google looking up Pastor Asshole and I'm feeling sick at some of the things I saw that cannot be unseen. One thing I was happy to see is that fag hags are not welcome in his Church either. I would rather staple my eyelids to a table than spend 10 seconds with this psycho and his cult.  How this man, this lay preacher, has such a following literally boggles my brain. Is it all the fracking going on his his neck of the woods? Or generations of inbreeding? Did something heinous happen to him in his childhood to make him so filled with hate? Or has he just found a niche where he can take money from people who can't brain for themselves? I don't know what God he supposedly worships and apparently speaks for but it sure ain't mine. Reading about a lot of his rants I realised that there really is no reasoning with people like him. Whatever his motives may be, I highly doubt they're to save souls. 

Then the Pastor decided he's going to take his soul gathering tour or whatever the fuck he called it to Botswana. Well, Botswana didn't take very long to boot him out of the country:

Homophobic US Pastor Steven Anderson arrested in Botswana

I Whatsapped my friend Terry Tiger Victor from Drag Queen Headquarters  and said "Quick, most epic gay anthem ever?" and without missing a beat or asking me why he replied with "I will survive". It's the perfect song in my opinion. Even though it's about a lost love the lyrics can be applied to other issues as well. Survival bebe! The attitude being you will never break us, we will always stand up and fight. And be FABULOUS and FIERCE! 

Celebrate the Victory people!!! 

Live well, love much, laugh often and always remember to dance!

GG xoxo 

The 13th Floor. Life Coaching GG Style.

*Disclaimer - I have zero formal training. Unless a Doctorate from the University of Life counts*

A few years ago I was having a natter while driving with my honorary gay son and he told me that I should become a life coach. I was so taken aback that it's a good thing he was driving because I would probably have run us into a ditch. I kept my pose and asked him what on earth would make him say that. His response took me by surprise. He said it was because I helped him come out and I have a way of putting things that gets right to the point without sugarcoating and I call bullshit when I see it. And there I thought I was just a bad tempered auld bitch who is always way too blunt.

Anyway, what he said to me did make me ponder a few things. I've always considered Life Coaching to be the biggest scam out there. You pay a small fortune for someone to tell you how to live your life, usually using advice that is common fucking sense. Of course there must be exceptions but I have only ever met one Life Coach who has got an actual degree and didn't get her training off a website on the internet. In my opinion that book The Secret is no better than any other self help book out there. She has the secret all right, raking in millions off writing something that is filled with.... COMMON SENSE. Another example that irritates the living bejaysus out of me is a family I unfortunately had the displeasure of once knowing. Father's business tanked so he got certified via the internet as a life coach. That's not so bad right? Live and let live and all that shite. But he didn't leave it there. Suddenly dude was training others to be life coaches. His entire extended family are now life coaches who charge a LOT of money for their particular brand of wisdom. My personal favourite being his son who's balls hadn't even dropped properly yet, how is anyone supposed to take someone so young seriously as a life coach? Funny thing about all this is that I know exactly just how dysfunctional this family is but looking at their social media pages etc you would be excused for thinking that everything is just hunky-fucking-dory. Father is also a Life Coach at a private school where he teaches children under 12. The very thought of that makes me shudder. Who does background checks on people who work with children? Who is in charge? Who's head is going to roll when it turns into a giant clusterfuck? Someone seriously dropped the ball in this case...

So yeah, that brings me to how I personally deal with issues. It may not be to everyone's taste but it certainly works for me. It's no secret that I also come from a rather dysfunctional family and it's quite frankly a fucking miracle that I am a contributing member of society who's been happily married to the man I met when I was 13 for almost 3 decades. My issues aren't with my own little tribe, they're with others. Blood relatives and friends who I called family. People I trusted. People I would do anything for. People who turned on me, betrayed me and were then surprised when I didn't want them in my life anymore. Why the fuck would I want people I can't trust in my life? I may have become a bitch but I'm not insane. And don't even get me started on the whole forgiveness thing. To me forgiveness means letting people back into your life and there are certain individuals that will be back in my life the day I win a gold medal as an Olympic gymnast. That doesn't mean I harbor resentment, I've come to the realisation that people can't help their inherent natures and if I am angry at anyone then it's myself for not seeing through the bullshit earlier. #LoyaltyFail 

I know it's important to always keep moving forward and dwelling on the past prevents one from doing that so I don't dwell. Ever. When there is something that keeps trying to burrow it's way back into my consciousness I delegate it to what I call my 13th Floor. A place I will visit one day. Or not.  My 13th Floor is like a lot of hotels in Canada, they don't have one! It's there but it's not there. Of course there are people who get something good out of therapy and there's nothing wrong with that but personally I can't see how picking at things that happened in the past can possibly make me feel better. The only hold the past has on me is how I react to certain situations and when my knee jerk is something I'm not proud of then I make an effort to change the way I think about things. My favourite form of therapy is having a few drinks with someone I trust and having a good natter anyway. 

As humans we all have a tendency to worry too much about other people who actually have no real impact on our lives and that brings me to what is still one of my favourite lessons ever. I have mentioned it before but it needs to be in this piece. Whenever I talk to my friend Black Sam and ask him how he's doing his response is always this: "Life is good thanks Mami, my wife and children still smile when they see me so life is good." See? At the end of the day only those who are under your roof are the ones who should matter most. As long as you're happy in your own home life is good. And if you're not? Then do something about it!  

Live well, love much, laugh often and always remember to dance!

G xoxo 

This song has been stuck in my head for days and I think it may have inspired this post which is VERY different from my usual shit hahaha
LOVE IT!!!

Dear Pastor Anderson

With all your hate filled views:
I don't condone violence but gays should be executed
 and your wife calling all Africans animals:
Wife of homophobic US pastor slams SA blogger over IVF
 why on earth are you so determined to visit a country you are not welcome in? Maybe you should both get one of these to shut you the fuck up.