Wednesday, 28 March 2018

What 2016 and 2017 taught me - Not My Circus, Not My Monkeys!

I knowIknowIknowIKNOW... It's almost APRIL ffs. Hey, at least the tree is down and I don't have to start wondering if I should hang Easter bunnies off it. Ok, in all honesty, it's only down because it was never put up. I've been so busy being Hubs' Executive Personal Assistant Glorified Tea Girl that everything else has taken a back seat for more than a year.

We're a collaborative blog here and I know I'm not the only one who's been quiet. There have been adoptions, births, weddings and funerals, breakups, degrees earned, battles with cancer fought and won, operations and hospital stays, promotions, new homes bought, goals achieved... You know, LIFE lived! I'm very happy to say that the joys have far outweighed the sorrows and that's always a good thing.

Lessons I learned the last 18 months or so?

I'm no longer terrified of learning new technology

Thanks to my son I don't get an eye twitch at the mere thought of learning new things when it comes to technology anymore. I have zero patience and have often wished that it could be like the movie "Matrix" where they just plug a thing into your head and suddenly you have mad skillz. It was bad people, really bad. Case in point: It took me almost a year just to open the box when I was given an iPod and I only did that at his insistence, then the thing sat in a drawer for another six months or so. He has some serious patience, no lies! Little post it notes saying things like "don't forget dongle on the back" so that I don't get too rough with the laptop and when he sent me my first GIF on Whatsapp it was followed by a message saying "tap it" with a finger pointing upwards. THEN the cheeky little shit sent me this:

Considering what he went through with me, especially the many times I would say "I can see your lips move but you may as well be speaking Russian", I can't exactly argue haha

I'm not insane when I say I attract weirdo's

I've been busy consolidating (fuck, I feel SO clever saying that - cooonsooolidaaaating!) my devices and I came across this random pic Hubs sent me via Whatsapp:

Now that I am (mostly) over myself I am LOVING technology! Hubs does all the household grocery shopping and when he is unsure of what I want he can take a picture and send it. 

Gotta love this man - taking on one of the crappiest parts of running a household just to keep me out of trouble! I've been saying for decades that I attract weirdo's and he was always convinced that I had to play at least some small part in it. I get it, I'm not even insulted by that. We've been married for 30 years and he knows all my crazy. There was that time a total stranger grabbed my arm and licked it. Temper lost. The time a guy behind me in the checkout line with a trolley stuffed to the brim with luxuries asked me to pay for his groceries too and called me a racist when I said no. Temper lost. The time I arrived at my car to see it had been pushed about a meter backwards by another car and our number plates were stuck together! Wtf right? I was blamed by the driver who was so pissed she could hardly stand up straight. Temper lost. Soooo many more... Sigh... 

Hubs never believed I was totally innocent until the day we were doing the shopping together and I got cornered in the freshly baked goods section by a Hasidic Jew. I'm talking black hat and clothes, ringlets, the works. All smiling and innocent looking, this dude starts asking for advice on what the best loaves etc are. The more I'm politely trying to tell him I'm not the person to ask, the more he's insisting. UNTIL I glanced down and saw he was fondling everything that was rounded... In a very suggestive way. Fucken perv was even pinching 'nipples' on some of the rolls! Have you ever?!?! Temper Lost!

Me: "Omg, you won't believe what happened!"
Hubs: "I saw, I was watching from behind that big bread rack."
Me: "What?? Why didn't you step in to rescue me?" 
Hubs: "I was waiting to see if HE needed rescuing." 

I really truly don't give a fuck about bullshit

While consolidating all my devices (there's that clever word again) I also found a lot more screenshots of the stalking and trolling that's been going on for 7 (yes, SEVEN fucking years now) and even I was amused horrified because I lost count at around 200. Jaysuswept... I must be FABULOUS, nevermind completely UNFORGETTABLE. Yeah, I will deal with that when I have the time. Or when I am really bored. I'm happy that I have friends who send me this crap when they see something because I don't have time to find all the fake names and profiles thanks. There have been the most disgusting things written, complete fabrications, and I wonder what kind of person could possibly make shit up about someone they used to be best friends with just to try and destroy them. Then there are the declarations of love and miss you's in between the hate... Seriously? It's sad really, to watch someone lose their grip on reality - especially when it is someone you used to care about deeply who seems to find it impossible to move on and vacillates between love and hate. 
Choose a personality please.

Back in February I was sent a clip via Whatsapp and it made me laugh. It was dumb and a bit lame, but it made me laugh when I first saw it. I'd been quiet on FB for a couple of weeks so I posted it on the spur of the moment. OMG!!! The lashback... Jaysus! It caused a HUGE argument and sparked so many comments I had to scroll and scroll and scroll to read them all. By the end of it I was so fucking irritated I don't think the word irritated comes close. Did I delete the post? Nope. I posted this instead... 

What does bemuse me is how people can get worked up by a post on social media that is not aimed at them, especially if it's done by someone they've never even met in person. Get a fucking life people... Like a friend of mine once said, "If it doesn't feed you, fuck you or pay your bills and if you didn't give birth to it, why give a shit?" So, unless you bring real time value to my life? 
Stay in your own fucking lane please. 

By the way, if you one are of those people who get easily offended? I'm not sure why you would be here then (stalker much?) but do me a favor and go and watch the Ricky Gervais standup special on Netflix called Humanity. You will LOVE it! *cackle* It's excellent, in fact I'm convinced it planted the seeds to start this piece germinating in my subconscious. 

So, my mantra has gone from "Prison orange is NOT my color" to "Not my circus, not my monkeys" and La Vida es Bella!!! 

New Years Resolutions? Not a single fucking one! 

Aaaand on that note. HAPPY NEW YEAR! *ahem* I will leave you with this thought... Life is way too serious as it is so...

Live well, love much, laugh often and always remember to dance! 
GeeGee x

P.S. Thanks to my friend Colleen who tagged me in this song last Friday with the caption "Tabletop dancing drinking song". My days of dancing on tables are far behind me but I think it inspired me into finishing this entire post Col - fuck knows how or why but I'll take it ;) 


  1. Gee Gee, once again a brilliant piece from the Master of Satire. I enjoyed it thoroughly!Bugger them stalkers, 'jealousy makes you nasty'! I miss your regular updates and stories of happenings 'Down the Rabbit Hole'...please continue...

    1. Thank you so much for the kind words my Frannie! I will work harder at making time, pinky promise :)