Burning the past

The past two weeks have been weird and upsetting and just downright strange for me.
And after yesterday I vowed to write it down and move on. The past has had strange claws that hooked into me. My soul...my brain, even my body. While I can't change what is happening to my body, I sure as hell can change what is happening in my soul and mind.
Note-don't do drugs kids. It has a special way of eventually just messing your entire body up. My teeth for example...they are giving me never ending hassles. Half my mouth is replaced with fake teeth. The ones I still have a never ending puzzle of pain.

But letting go of the past is not just letting go of the fact that I used to be an addict. No I used to just be a walkover. Yes kids, just line up and take advantage. You need money, sure-I will give you what I have. Oh you need something, sure I will give it to you. Want to hurt me some more, sure, no worries.
Yes I am to blame. I never should have let people take advantage in the first place. No excuses for that. Being nice does not get you anywhere. And thinking that people will be kind to you when you give them kindness, no... that does not happen.

So what was the result of not growing a backbone?

My ex cheated on me many many times. She also ensured that I had about 100k of debt. Yeah-her promises of paying back-never materialized. The relationship was so unhealthy and I see it now finally. She used to gaslight me. Treat me with contempt, unless of course when she wanted something. She wanted many things. She liked brand shoes...nice sound in her car. Want, want, want. And I, in my stupor wanted to make her happy. Nevermind the fact that her phone bill (paid by me) was 3000 Rand (back in 2003)...and yes speaking to the chick she was having a full on relationship with while we were dating. We broke up and I moved away for a brief while. Came back to Jozi and she "helped" me by giving me a place to stay for 2 weeks. She also helped herself to 10 grand which I wanted to pay debts off (her debt) and she took that money after saying she will deposit into the bank for me. How naive was I, to think she would "help" me with anything.
Phonecall after phonecall saying she is sure she is busy overdosing, waking up in a field after she pissed herself, asking me for help. This was after we broke up. I blindly helped...thinking I could...should help. Then the Sheriff of the court came knocking on my door to collect my furniture for the debts. So after she took my furniture, I had one single bed, a toaster and a kettle. He looked at me in pity and disgust. This is while my addiction was probably at its worst also. I was taking the train to work at this stage. The doctor finally said I would die in 6 months if I carried on like this.

I stopped using, withdrew by myself. This is when the long, hard and lonely walk started. My "friends"? Well when we no longer shared the same lifestyle, they quickly forget who you are.

I started paying off my debt. R50 here, R100 there. Threatening phone calls daily. I had two jobs at that time. Life started getting better slowly but surely.

Now, this is not even half of the tale but I want to get to the good part. Where I am at today.

Yesterday I burned the summons, letters from the court, threatening letters that they are attaching my furniture to pay off debt. Because I am done. The debt was paid off about 2 years ago but the last of the summons etc, is gone now. I applied as the main applicant to buy a house...and it was approved.

While I was burning the papers, all the deposit slips... I just have this insane amount of balled up emotions inside of me. You tried to bring me down, you failed. You said I was never good enough, thin enough, cool enough...just not enough of anything basically. And who are you anyways? You leach off people and use and abuse them and them drop them like they never mattered. Yes, I should have been stronger than my supposed love for you. But I want to tell you, that you failed.

I am good enough. I have a good job, I study and I nearly have my degree. Someone loves me with my big ass and funny teeth and she has never looked at anyone else. I am someones dream. You should have just walked away when you realized you did not want me...but the sad reality is that I benefited your purpose. And I was too naive to do anything about it. I am to blame, I accept that. But accept that you can not keep doing this to people. I know you still are btw, for a fact. Grow the F up and start getting your life in order and stop using people. Your charm is only going to go that far and people who are hopefully stronger than what I was, will hopefully put you in your place. To those who are not strong enough and still disillusioned into thinking that a person will give you, what you give them... Please open your eyes. Don't wait until it is too late to grow a backbone and start living for yourself.

I am finally free.

Holy shitballs

Yeah...I know. It has been years since I logged on and posted. What the heck.

Like GeeGee says...life certainly happened. 

I am a year away from getting my degree. What a rollercoaster it has been. 3 distinctions later and I am still ready to pull my hair out. But I am not complaining (too much)...it has been good for me. It has placed a certain level of stress in my life, that has molded me into an adult.

I got married! Yeah I know. I never thought the day would arrive where I would get married. I was so against the whole institution of marriage and what it represented...and now I am someone's wife. A someone who is my whole world and I can't imagine life without her. Nothing has changed and that is what makes me so happy. We are still the same. We are our own people but we choose to live this life together. 

In-between all the other things happening in my life (promotions, house break ins, fights, angst, happiness, good and bad) I am at a place where I am happy. 

I have realized a lot of things. Who my real friends are for instance. Where I now know and understand that not everyone who pretends to have your back and pretends to be on your side, is actually on your side. This is a very harsh reality I had to learn. A person who I honestly thought was my friend, is a total stranger to me. I am glad the reality finally hit, even though it really hurts. I now know...and is not stuck in some illusion that person created.

I want to start writing again, even if it is just for me. So hold on...more may be on the way.

What 2016 and 2017 taught me - Not My Circus, Not My Monkeys!

I knowIknowIknowIKNOW... It's almost APRIL ffs. Hey, at least the tree is down and I don't have to start wondering if I should hang Easter bunnies off it. Ok, in all honesty, it's only down because it was never put up. I've been so busy being Hubs' Executive Personal Assistant Glorified Tea Girl that everything else has taken a back seat for more than a year.

We're a collaborative blog here and I know I'm not the only one who's been quiet. There have been adoptions, births, weddings and funerals, breakups, degrees earned, battles with cancer fought and won, operations and hospital stays, promotions, new homes bought, goals achieved... You know, LIFE lived! I'm very happy to say that the joys have far outweighed the sorrows and that's always a good thing.

Lessons I learned the last 18 months or so?

I'm no longer terrified of learning new technology

Thanks to my son I don't get an eye twitch at the mere thought of learning new things when it comes to technology anymore. I have zero patience and have often wished that it could be like the movie "Matrix" where they just plug a thing into your head and suddenly you have mad skillz. It was bad people, really bad. Case in point: It took me almost a year just to open the box when I was given an iPod and I only did that at his insistence, then the thing sat in a drawer for another six months or so. He has some serious patience, no lies! Little post it notes saying things like "don't forget dongle on the back" so that I don't get too rough with the laptop and when he sent me my first GIF on Whatsapp it was followed by a message saying "tap it" with a finger pointing upwards. THEN the cheeky little shit sent me this:

Considering what he went through with me, especially the many times I would say "I can see your lips move but you may as well be speaking Russian", I can't exactly argue haha

I'm not insane when I say I attract weirdo's

I've been busy consolidating (fuck, I feel SO clever saying that - cooonsooolidaaaating!) my devices and I came across this random pic Hubs sent me via Whatsapp:

Now that I am (mostly) over myself I am LOVING technology! Hubs does all the household grocery shopping and when he is unsure of what I want he can take a picture and send it. 

Gotta love this man - taking on one of the crappiest parts of running a household just to keep me out of trouble! I've been saying for decades that I attract weirdo's and he was always convinced that I had to play at least some small part in it. I get it, I'm not even insulted by that. We've been married for 30 years and he knows all my crazy. There was that time a total stranger grabbed my arm and licked it. Temper lost. The time a guy behind me in the checkout line with a trolley stuffed to the brim with luxuries asked me to pay for his groceries too and called me a racist when I said no. Temper lost. The time I arrived at my car to see it had been pushed about a meter backwards by another car and our number plates were stuck together! Wtf right? I was blamed by the driver who was so pissed she could hardly stand up straight. Temper lost. Soooo many more... Sigh... 

Hubs never believed I was totally innocent until the day we were doing the shopping together and I got cornered in the freshly baked goods section by a Hasidic Jew. I'm talking black hat and clothes, ringlets, the works. All smiling and innocent looking, this dude starts asking for advice on what the best loaves etc are. The more I'm politely trying to tell him I'm not the person to ask, the more he's insisting. UNTIL I glanced down and saw he was fondling everything that was rounded... In a very suggestive way. Fucken perv was even pinching 'nipples' on some of the rolls! Have you ever?!?! Temper Lost!

Me: "Omg, you won't believe what happened!"

Hubs: "I saw, I was watching from behind that big bread rack."

Me: "What?? Why didn't you step in to rescue me?" 

Hubs: "I was waiting to see if HE needed rescuing." 

I really truly don't give a fuck about bullshit

While consolidating all my devices (there's that clever word again) I also found a lot more screenshots of the stalking and trolling that's been going on for 7 (yes, SEVEN fucking years now) and even I was amused horrified because I lost count at around 200. Jaysuswept... I must be FABULOUS, nevermind completely UNFORGETTABLE. Yeah, I will deal with that when I have the time. Or when I am really bored. I'm happy that I have friends who send me this crap when they see something because I don't have time to find all the fake names and profiles thanks. There have been the most disgusting things written, complete fabrications, and I wonder what kind of person could possibly make shit up about someone they used to be best friends with just to try and destroy them. Then there are the declarations of love and miss you's in between the hate... Seriously? It's sad really, to watch someone lose their grip on reality - especially when it is someone you used to care about deeply who seems to find it impossible to move on and vacillates between love and hate. 

Choose a personality please.

Back in February I was sent a clip via Whatsapp and it made me laugh. It was dumb and a bit lame, but it made me laugh when I first saw it. I'd been quiet on FB for a couple of weeks so I posted it on the spur of the moment. OMG!!! The lashback... Jaysus! It caused a HUGE argument and sparked so many comments I had to scroll and scroll and scroll to read them all. By the end of it I was so fucking irritated I don't think the word irritated comes close. Did I delete the post? Nope. I posted this instead... 

What does bemuse me is how people can get worked up by a post on social media that is not aimed at them, especially if it's done by someone they've never even met in person. Get a fucking life people... Like a friend of mine once said, "If it doesn't feed you, fuck you or pay your bills and if you didn't give birth to it, why give a shit?" So, unless you bring real time value to my life? 

Stay in your own fucking lane please. 

By the way, if you one are of those people who get easily offended? I'm not sure why you would be here then (stalker much?) but do me a favor and go and watch the Ricky Gervais standup special on Netflix called Humanity. You will LOVE it! *cackle* It's excellent, in fact I'm convinced it planted the seeds to start this piece germinating in my subconscious. 

So, my mantra has gone from "Prison orange is NOT my color" to "Not my circus, not my monkeys" and La Vida es Bella!!! 

New Years Resolutions? Not a single fucking one! 

Aaaand on that note. HAPPY NEW YEAR! *ahem* I will leave you with this thought... Life is way too serious as it is so...

Live well, love much, laugh often and always remember to dance! 

GeeGee x

P.S. Thanks to my friend Colleen who tagged me in this song last Friday with the caption "Tabletop dancing drinking song". My days of dancing on tables are far behind me but I think it inspired me into finishing this entire post Col - fuck knows how or why but I'll take it ;)